One of the hardest - or THE hardest - things about being a black person in today's America is that it is damn near impossible to get away from the seeming inevitability of your own demise. This summer has been one filled with violence, bigotry, turmoil, pain, sorrow, despair, and death. As was last summer, and the summer before it. It's almost as if when the season comes for us to finally relax, let loose, or maybe even enjoy some fresh air there's another battle to fight. Another Charleston six, or Sandra Bland, or Rachel Dolezal, or Michael Brown, the list of names and events which are worthy of absolute rage against the machine are literally innumerable. And at times, it gets to be too much for me.
That's right I'll admit it; sometimes I get tired of talking about race. Actually, to be specific, I get tired of talking about racial oppression. Usually I'm the first one to jump into a discussion (or in many cases, argument) about race, discrimination, oppression, the nuances, the ins and outs, the things that most people just don't see. Trust me, it is one of the few things in life I feel I have a firm grasp on. But even for a race "fanatic" like me (funny how racists are never told they talk about race too much *thinking emoji*), sometimes enough is fucking enough. I get tired of seeing dead bodies y'all. It's really that simple. I've stopped watching the videos and reading the articles and just started taking niggas' word for it. When I started really becoming analytical it was after the death of Mike Brown. As they threw his picture up on MSNBC (hey, I was still a kid gimme a break) I saw a young man clad in his high school cap and gown just as I had been not even two months before. I saw a kid who was planning on going to college in a month, just as I was. When I heard his friends tell stories of him, I got this weird feeling. As I watched and time went on, it felt as if I was watching the story of my own murder play out on tv in front of me. If it's never happened to you, that shit will change your life, as it did mine. I went downstairs and told my mother that I had to go to Ferguson. I had to do something, march, protest, shout and scream, riot, SOMETHING. I had to fight back. Her being the protective (and low key smart) mother she is told me absolutely not. After a few minutes and a screaming match I was being hugged by mother and father both. I broke down, I felt trapped, I literally couldn't even breathe. But I can't do that shit every time another black man, woman, or child is murdered. I'd literally suffocate. So this is my reminder to myself that it is okay to be happy! Actually, it is essential. This summer, has been one in which I've explored what it means to actively search for your own happiness again, and it has been one of the most rewarding ventures I've ever taken. I took the time to learn how to actually take care of my hair. It's crazy how something so simple and essential to your own body can be overlooked, and taken for granted. This summer, and from now on, I won't overlook anything if it can make me a brighter, happier person. I twisted my hair out and I love it. It's new and fun and I actually think it looks good on me. And ya know what else is new and fun? POKEMON GO. I've spent an irresponsible amount of time chasing after pokemon and going on adventures with my friends and girlfriend. Pokémon was the first anime I watched, and the first video game I was good at. And now that this new break through in the ability to waste time on your phone has been accomplished, I feel even more like a kid again. To go along with that, I started watching anime for the first time since Dragon Ball Z ended with the Boo saga. Let me tell all you dbz fans out there; if you haven't started watching Dragon Ball Super, do so, you're welcome. I watch wrestling now too, which I gave up because of its lack of diversity, pro black characters, and also the fact that its "lame" for grown men to watch wrestling. What I've found is that, while all those things are still true, wrestling still gives me joy to watch just as it did when I was little. It's a live soap opera on testosterone and the silliness yet beauty of it all still just does something for me. There's still problems with the show of course - it's mostly a bunch of white men who beat each other up and the women are not given actual human characters by the writers. But hey, if anything, I can become a writer for the WWE and write the character(s) that inspire the next generation of black boys and girls the way the Rock inspired me. See, and that's it right there. This summer I've realized that having a problem to fix really only gives me half of my drive and passion to keep going. I've spent all of this time learning how to reject my own oppression and never stopped to make sure I was still loving myself through the process, and that's what true inspiration comes from. I'm young, and it happens, but not again Satan. This time around, I've supplemented that passion to make progress with self-care, and it has overall improved the quality of everything I do. I broke through a writer's block this summer. I've actually had so many ideas and so much inspiration pop up that I'm having trouble sitting down and focusing on just one. I would elaborate on specifics but, I honestly kinda want to keep it close to the vest for now. But the point is, smiling is good for you Matthew! Plus you look good when you do it, so fuck it, why not. I'll end with this piece of advice, especially for all the artists out there; don't forget to take time to love yourself and be happy! Your voice is going to come out so much clearer that way, even when making art about something you hate or want to destroy. Remember that if you want to create anything it should always come from a place of self expression, and there is no better expression than that which comes from self-understanding. Always understand that every once and a while its okay to smile, its always been a part of who you are. And that's my corny self love quote of the day. P.S. HOW DID I FORGET TO MENTION THAT MY ALL TIME FAVORITE PLAYER GOT A RING THIS SUMMER. CONGRATS ANDERSON VAREJAO YOU FINALLY DID IT.
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October 2018
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